The news said February 16 was the day of the invasion and the start of the war. That day came and went. We stocked up on cheese and fresh fruit for Katya to build up her immunity again. On the 24th we were woken up to jets flying over the farm followed by helicopters. The pictures on the walls shook and some fell to the floor. I remember her father Sergei asking me what I was going to do if the Russians shoot at me. I answered that I would shoot back at ANYONE that shot at me, and I would not miss! Her family asked me why I came from the safety of the USA to the cold countryside where a war was sure to start. This is an easy answer. I am not a hero, but I sure as hell am not a zero either! Her father respected me for coming all that way. It was the right thing to do, period, and I would do that all over again, minus the sad ending. I have lost a few male friends over this topic of my trip to evacuate Katya from Ukraine.
The US Embassy sent me an email and called me every day for the whole month of February. I had one man assigned to me and he did a good job of checking up on us. He was a good man but some of these “men” that I knew told me to leave her there, send money, or just find another Ukrainian woman. This was sad and shocking, and it angered me. I dropped quite a few so-called men, so-called friends, in February and March. They all talked a big game yet they all still sat on their couches, couch surfing, as we had missiles going over our heads and full-on war took over Ukraine, like an infection slowly taking hold of the proud, strong people I met.
Finally, I talked Katya’s family into agreeing to let me take her out of Ukraine. That was the goal of the trip. We talked a lot and prayed a lot, and consulted with doctors in the USA. It was too soon to tell just how healthy the baby was and at 12 then 14 weeks.
Things would become very serious very fast. On our last night there we got together with her family on the 15-acre farm that her family had just purchased for somewhere around $750. It had a small brick house that needed quite a bit of work, but the gem on this property was all of the mature fruit trees. They had apples, pears, persimmons, and grapes on the vine.
This was March 1st. We had a great meal with lots of Vodka, and my fried chicken was a hit. There might be some pictures attached to the blog with the faces politely blurred out.
The images lend a hand to this entire very long story. In Gadyich all of the ATMs but one were boarded up, and the one that was in operation only dispensed 1000 UAH per transaction. The pharmacies had begun to run out of essential medications. This was happening just like I have seen before in the Middle East. Small towns run out of fuel, and medication, then the supermarket shelves begin to remain empty. This is what Russia wanted. I sustained a traumatic brain injury (TBI) in November of 2013 so now I have an epileptic seizure disorder. It is controlled with medication and I had plenty of my special medications from the USA but Katya was pregnant and needed advanced care. Imagine all of the senior citizens or those that are diabetic. What would they do when the pharmacies ran out of essential medicine?
To back up a little, I sustained the TBI and my neck was also basically crushed from level C3 to C7. In my travel insurance blog, you can read how this injury happened. I didn’t dive into the lasting effects of this TBI and neck injury but the side effects will last forever. With food (other than the food in the cellar) like fruits and milk in short supply and SUPER LONG 4-kilometer lines to get petrol, the time for us to leave Gadyich had arrived.
This blog post is about my own experience in leaving Ukraine after the Russian full-scale invasion. I suppose putting myself out there for all to see might seem counterproductive, but I know only one way, honesty. In April of 2021, I flew into Odessa International Airport. I had 2 large pieces of luggage and 2 carry-on bags. Turkish airlines are good about all that free baggage! I rented an apartment for $400 a month that was about a 10-minute walk to Arcadia. I am not a fan of the Arcadia lifestyle but the apartment was new, big, and well appointed. It was there that I met someone I will call Katya (not her real name obviously). She is younger than I am by about 13 years. I don’t find this age difference to be a deal breaker. Guys, if you are reading this and wondering about the age difference dilemma… stop worrying about it! It feels like our native western countries place these unfair stereotypes on women that are younger than we are. She is a massage therapist, dietician, and nutritionist. I lost 28 pounds in 2021 and I can credit it to a healthy lifestyle that Katya reintroduced into my life.
I stayed in Odessa and became a tutor and mentor to a young man that was headed to the USA for his final 2 years of high school. Daniel is a good kid, smart, kind, and one heck of a soccer player. Katya and I dated for about a month while I taught English to Daniel and a few professionals that needed to sharpen their English.
Looking back now, it all happened so fast. I quickly fell into life in Odessa. Hot chocolate from Lviv Chocolate, pizza and wings from Chili, and Indian food on Havanna Street.
Katya and I also quickly found a rhythm with her staying with me at night more and more.
Those long walks, me in the kitchen making Mexican food for dinner, and nights watching Netflix were maybe some of the best days of my life. Time just seemed to fly by. I met many western men. Kiwi Mike, my business pal from New Zealand (thus the word Kiwi in front of his name), and my good friend Brian from Utah. They are older than I am by 5 and 8 years. Katya worked during the day, I taught English and mentored young Daniel, and we all just stayed in each other’s orbit so well. Thanksgiving rolled around and Brian was gone and that left me, Katya, Kiwi Mike, and Katya’s friend to celebrate Thanksgiving. They had never celebrated Thanksgiving so I enjoyed all of the holiday spirits!
Right around this time is when things began to become pleasantly more serious with Katya and I. We talked about family and children, girl and boy, and where to raise children.
Yes, it happened rather fast. But it all felt so right. At this point, I knew that I had overstayed the 90 days that Americans can stay in Ukraine visa-free. Katya and I talked about this a lot and we agreed that I would help support her while I left Ukraine to go back to the USA.
December 7th rolled around so fast and it was my time to leave Odesa and seek some form of visa so I could return to Ukraine before the mandatory 90 days out of the country time limit. Leaving was such a painful thing to do but I swore I would return. We talked every day and made plans. I found an attorney that also had an NGO based in Kyiv that worked with Poland on relationships between the 2 countries. This was my way back into Ukraine. First, I had to pay a penalty. It added up to about $250 US Dollars. I sent the money back to Katya to pay this fine and I also paid the attorney to begin the process of getting me back into Ukraine with his NGO. All of this happened in the first 10 days I was back in the USA. I remember dreaming about a big family, and the joy of raising more children. Two days later I asked Katya why she looked so pale…her color was a little off like she was nauseous. Right then I knew she was pregnant and I jokingly, but also kinda seriously, asked her to go buy some pregnancy tests and to use the tests 2 days in a row.
She used the 1st test and quickly told me it was positive, but that she didn’t trust the 1st test. I laughed and told her with a smile YOU ARE PREGNANT BABE! She used the 2nd test and it also came back positive. We agreed that she would go and have an ultrasound to confirm she was pregnant and also a blood test. The blood test showed us all of the hormones were there and the ultrasound showed us that she was indeed about 4 weeks pregnant. The day she had the ultrasound was so beautiful. She sent me a message via Viber that simply said look at what we made! You’re going to be a Daddy again. I had left Ukraine because I had to legally do it the right way, but I had left my now pregnant partner behind.
The New Year flew by, the overstay penalty had been paid, and the attorney had gotten all of the paperwork going for me. I won’t reveal this kind man’s name but I will say that he worked magic for me when Katya and I needed it most. She had all of the morning sickness, and all of the mood swings too 😉 but she was pregnant and it was magical. The news coming out of the western world was not good. Russia had been gathering its troops along the Ukraine border. My birthday flew by, on January 21st, and it was our personal deadline and goal for me to be back in Ukraine. I got the paperwork sent express by DHL in 3 days and presented it to the Ukrainian embassy in Washington D.C. The embassy representative asked me why I needed to go back, and again, to tell the truth, I did not mention that my partner was pregnant. As far as he was concerned I was going to Kyiv to try to calm things down and make preparations just in case of war, working with the NGO, waiting for what was to come. He double-checked all of my paperwork. The NGO provided travel insurance and an apartment, again this is what I presented to the embassy. I don’t
recommend doing this but at the same time, if any man reading this has any heart, courage, and any male fortitude…well, you would do exactly what I did to get back and to ensure the safety of my partner and our unborn child.
I had to wait for 5 days. During this time Katya got COVID very bad and she was so so sick. It was horrible news but she had the best doctors at the best hospital in Odessa.
Odrex is a great hospital and I recommend it to anyone. She got sick just after she took the train to visit her parents in Poltava Oblast, Gadyich to be exact. Her parents both got sick also and I felt so helpless. I just had to wait for the NGO visa to come through. It finally did on January 28th, 2022. Katya was very sick still and Russia had even more troops ready to invade Ukraine.
I haven’t really written about this before, but I have told small parts of this to my family and friends. Katya and I had agreed that I would bring a gender reveal kit with a black balloon and either pink or blue confetti inside. I bought maternity clothes, cool little t-shirts that said things like who your momma and call me baby, maybe! We were super excited!
She had another ultrasound this time in Poltava and we figured out that the baby would be due on August 21st. I packed warm clothes and all of the maternity stuff and off I went to Kyiv.
I was able to fly into Kyiv on February 1st, and I stayed overnight there before taking the minibus to Gadyich. It was pretty cold but I was happy to be near my partner, and proud as well. I was the first of Katya’s partners to meet her parents. We rented a nice apartment in Gadyich for 5 days but eventually, her family wanted us to move in with them for safety.
The farmhouse was just big enough for her parents and for us. Her brother lived in Gadyich with his wife and newborn daughter. Many of my friends and family worried about my safety. They also worried about food and the basics. This was NOT a worry! The cellar had wall-to-wall potatoes, onions, carrots, glass jars with fruit and duck, and vegetables. They had enough food to last a whole year easily plus about 40 ducks, 20 or so chickens, and 2 large pigs. I am an Army veteran and I know that during war small towns and cities tend to fall apart, but in Ukraine, the people are just so well prepared, or rather, they were well prepared in Gadyich. Let me tell you… Netflix became our best friend. We had plenty of food and water and the house was super warm. Her family was welcoming and kind and they enjoyed my cooking too!
Katya’s grandmother (baba) invited us over for a welcome dinner and a celebration of the pregnancy. Katya had her 12-week ultrasound in Poltava and the machine was not very new. From what the doctors could tell Katya had about 30% too much amniotic fluid in her placenta but it was close to normal. And of course, with COVID no one really knew if this was normal.
I could write about COVID and the registration and immunization process in Ukraine but that is a whole other blog that details corruption, superstition, and sadly some old-fashioned stubborn mentality. Katya did not have the COVID vaccine in real life but she sure did pay someone to register her on the DIA to show she was indeed vaccinated! I did not agree with this and I do not agree with it still. But what could I really do? I believe a woman’s body is her own. I believe that decisions about our baby should have been made jointly but it was too late… she was pregnant and had COVID already and she had recovered, or so we thought.
In November of 2013, I was on my 3rd trip to Ukraine that year. I had been to Lviv, and before that, I had visited Crimea at Evpatoria, before the annexation, and before Russia built a bridge connecting mainland Russia to the Crimean peninsula. I always bought travel insurance and until November of 2013 I had never used it. At a cost of around $100 per trip and just over 30 trips under my belt, my purchase from Travelguard seemed routine. No readers, this is not an advertisement for Travelguard (although they did ask to use my insurance story in their newsletter) but rather a story about the absolute necessity of travel insurance and just how valuable it can be.
Traveling around Ukraine
I had flown into Kyiv and taken the then-new high-speed Hyundai electric trains from Kyiv to Lviv. I had the privilege of sitting across from one of the engineers that went to Korea to inspect and buy the new trains. In 2013 the trains had free 3G Wi-Fi. The last trip I took which was in October of 2021 didn’t feature Wi-Fi but the train still seemed fast and new. My good friend Vlad had invited me to Lviv to stay for a few days.
It’s a beautiful city with a great old wall running right through downtown. I spent 4 days there before heading southeast to Kharkiv. Some students of mine that I was teaching English invited me out to visit them.
Olga and her husband had been students of mine for 9 months when I arrived in Kharkiv. It is a totally different experience than Lviv. In Lviv, I didn’t dare speak Russian, even back in 2013, but in Kharkiv, it came in handy. I stayed in a Booking.com rental for 5 nights. The housekeeper was the person the owner had assigned to give me the key and to meet me for payment. I didn’t have any trouble at all until my last night in Kharkiv…
The last night in Kharkiv
That night I decided to go to Mcdonald’s and when I walked back to the apartment, only 1 city block, I opened the door and immediately smelled cigarettes! I do not smoke.
Every hair on the back of my neck stood up. It is 100% true that the hair on your neck instinctively stands up in a high-stress environment. I have had a lot of time to think about my decision to walk into the apartment that night and I have listened to lots of criticism, but the truth is that it was my apartment, my passport was inside and my luggage was inside, and of course, I do not run or get scared easily. I practiced Korean Martial arts for 14 years and I had the highest confidence in my capabilities.
I entered the apartment and immediately entered the bathroom where I unscrewed the wooden handle from the toilet plunger. My instincts told me to keep it near! I exited the bathroom and went into the kitchen, passing the bedroom and I saw absolutely no one.
The kitchen was empty. The smell of cigarettes was still strong but it wasn’t like I could smell cigarette smoke. Instead, it smelled like someone was inside and was a smoker…
Like it was on their clothing or something.
So, I entered the bedroom, parting those little wooden beads that hang from the doorway. In the USA we had them when I was a little boy but I have seen them in Ukraine and Russia many times in my adult life. I parted those wooden strings of beads and immediately 2 men were on me, one high on my neck and one low on my hips. The man on my neck was tall and thin, and he was attempting to choke me to sleep but his grip was too high. The man on my waist was heavy and solid and had me pinned on the wall. He was strong, and looking back, if both men had been as strong as he was maybe I would not be writing this blog. The tall man was thin and inexperienced. His grip was easy to break, and I did so by reaching over his left arm with my right arm, and pulling his thumb until it broke, and at the same time I simply dropped my body weight so his grip would not hold. His thumb made a loud snapping sound and he ran out of the room. But, the big man had me pinned to the wall still. When he realized that he was alone he began pulling me away from the wall and banging me back into it. He did this over and over.
Finally, I gathered myself enough to remember my training. I pushed my thumbs deep into his ears, and in truth, I started to curse at him in Russian. I did all I could to distract him. This guy was so so so strong. The more I pushed my thumbs into his ears the harder he pushed me into the wall! I started to hit him on top of the head, landing elbow after elbow on top of his head. We are all born with a soft spot on the top of our skull and even as adults that spot is still not as strong as the rest of our skull. The elbows to the top of his head had some effect on him but really what did the most damage was me pulling on his earlobes. I pulled very hard, hard enough that he tilted his head one way long enough for me to land an elbow on the bridge of his nose. His nose kinda snapped into pieces and flattened out and he let go.
I am by no means a bada$$ but I have been shot by a rifle before and I do have a black belt. I have never had to use my martial arts training to seriously harm someone else. Yes, it’s true I have had to defend myself before but only with a punch or a quick kick and never against 2 people. The big man stumbled out of my apartment, so I stumbled next door to the old woman that lived there. I had been paying her to cook extra food for me for dinner. I had just started to ask her to call the police (yes, in Russian) when I was struck from behind with what doctors believe was a metal pipe. I went down on my hands and knees and the last thing I remember was seeing this old Babushka standing over me with a broom, swinging it from side to side attempting to protect me.
Awakening in the Kharkiv hospital
I woke up in the hospital in Kharkiv. The doctor (he spoke English well) told me I had part of someone’s ear in my closed fist. He told me my skull was fractured, that I had suffered a serious concussion, and that my neck had been crushed at levels C3 to C7.
One level higher and I would be paralyzed from the neck down. A fracture at level C2 is called a hangman injury because it completely incapacitates you. I am very lucky. In Kharkiv, the police were able to arrest the man whose ear was in my hand. He went to a different hospital for stitches 😉 GO ANDREW!
I was able to reach out to Travelguard immediately after I woke up. They were the absolute best at what they do! They called twice a day to check on me. They coordinated with the doctors in Kharkiv and had their own doctors in London also. I spent 7 nights and 8 days in Kharkiv. Travelguard had one specialist assigned to me and they called me often. On the 6th day, I got a steady headache that was bad enough to make me vomit. There was no relief and the hospital didn’t have much to help with the headaches.
On the 7th day around 16:00 (4 pm), they called to check on me. I told them my head felt like it was in a vice being squeezed ever tighter. I was put on hold for just 5 minutes when suddenly my specialist came back on the line with a doctor. He asked me a few questions about my headaches and my neurological issues. To end the call he basically told me that they would evacuate me to more advanced care very soon and to hang in there! The specialist came back on after another 5 minutes and told me that a team would be in Kharkiv to evacuate me the next day and to not tell anyone. When I asked why she told me that they had experienced issues with passports being taken and the bills being doubled when the hospital administration hears about a medical evacuation. This scared the hell out of me! But she was right.
I was in a room with 5 other men and 2 of them spoke just enough English to help me. I had the man next to me pass me my leather jacket. It had a secret pocket on the inside but someone had found the pocket and my passport inside. I FLIPPED OUT! I tossed the table next to me across the room and the nurse came running in. I yelled that I wanted to see the chief of the department. She told me he was not available, so I hopped into the wheelchair they had given me 2 days before and told her that if she didn’t find my passport in 5 minutes and have the chief doctor bring it to me that I would call my embassy and then call the police. She got pretty frightened and ran out of the room. I didn’t wait to call my embassy. I called them right away and also called the police.
Maybe 15 minutes passed before the nurse and chief doctor came into the room. The police were with them. The police told me I needed to pay my bill before my passport would be given back to me, and I basically yelled back at them that my passport had nothing to do with a bill and that the chief had stolen my passport. I told them I wanted to press criminal charges and that I wanted him arrested right then and there! They all looked at me like I was crazy, and honestly, I guess I was beginning to feel that way. My neck was broken, I had a concussion, and I was surviving on whatever food the man next to me was asking his wife to bring to me. You see, in Ukraine, most hospitals do not feed you, they make your family bring you food! I am so grateful to that man that was next to me and his wife for taking care of me, and I still keep in touch with them.
On the 8th day at exactly 16:00, the 4 people in red jumpsuits walked into my hospital room. The 1st man had a gun in his hands, and behind him were the nurse and my doctor followed by another man with a gun. The armed men were paid security and were there to make sure nothing happened to me or the doctor that was taking me out of there. I won’t lie or tell you that I was Superman. I CRIED LIKE A BABY when I saw those 4 red suits!!! The doctor did a fast neurological assessment and then they put me in a neck brace and a wheelchair. They wheeled me down to a private ambulance with a police car in front of us followed by a private security car for our guards, and 2 cars followed us, all with armed men for our safety. It felt like I was way more important than I really am, but I guess they thought I had pulled the ear off of someone important or some serious criminal so they didn’t take any chances. I have pictures and Facebook posts to back up every part of this story.
We left Kharkiv and flew towards Paris
When we made it to the airport we went to the back gate where customs officers opened the ambulance door, looked at me, stamped my passport, and let us through. A private jet waited for us. It was like a flying emergency room and again tears fell from my face like rain. I was so happy to be leaving. No, I didn’t fear Ukraine and of course, I have been back many times but this trip NEEDED to be over. I made a video in the jet with an IV connected to my arm, and a heart monitor beeping in the background. We left Kharkiv and flew towards Paris. Keep in mind, Americans reading this, I was attacked just before Thanksgiving, so I was headed for a hospital in Paris and would spend Thanksgiving there. Travelguard paid for the air ambulance, they paid for the armed guards and the ambulance, they paid my hospital bill in Ukraine, and they paid for the hospital in Paris.
I stayed at the American Hospital of Paris for 7 days. I took pictures of the menu with stuff like a braised rabbit, filet mignon, fresh bread, eggs, bacon flan, and so much more. The food was so good that I had to ask my friends back in the USA that is chefs what I should order!
Flying back to the USA
I was treated for a traumatic brain injury, and I also had an MRI of my neck. The decision was made to risk flying me back to the USA for surgery. A nurse medical escort was flown in to pick me up all the way from Canada. She took me by ambulance to the airport. Air France took 4 seats out of 1st class and put in my hospital bed. I will never forget this flight for 2 reasons. The first reason is pretty cool. Because the seats were taken out and my bed was put in, I got to keep the airline bonus sky miles!!! Guys, 4 first-class seats purchased at the last minute cost a pretty penny!
Spoiler alert… I got over 100k sky miles for this flight back to the USA!
The second reason I will never forget this flight is because of the amount of pain I was in. I forget the name of this law/theory for this specific circumstance I experienced but I’m sure someone reading this will tell me. So, a pressurized airplane cabin is different than the pressure on our bodies here on earth. It’s like the pressure is more intense.
Remember that our ears pop and we have to regulate the pressure in our ears. Anyway,
the pressure was so intense that I was in intense pain!!! The nurse had been given 8 vials of 10s of morphine. That is 80s of morphine. Right away the pain was so bad that I was basically screaming in pain. The nurse gave me 10s of morphine to calm the pain. It worked for about 45 minutes. They served a fine 1st class dinner and
offered champagne. My nurse told me I could drink some because she wanted me to go to sleep. After dinner, the pain came back even worse. We were at 36,000 feet and the cabin was fully pressurized now. Again, she gave me 10s of morphine only this time it barely put a dent in the pain. She made me wait 30 minutes and gave me more. I drank more champagne and she gave me more morphine. 4 hours into the flight and my nurse had given me 50cc's of morphine already. She only had the 30s left. I drank more champagne and finally passed out from pain (and champagne).
The pain woke me up with just 2 hours left on the flight. I ate a 1st class breakfast and again I had a dose of morphine. Again, I asked for champagne as well. I had it with orange juice. No, I don’t drink that often but in this case, I need to. An hour late and I needed more morphine and then more. With 30 minutes left in our flight, there was no morphine left and the nurse was a nervous wreck. She told me she had never felt so bad for someone and that she had never been given so much morphine in such a short amount of time. We landed in Atlanta and got onto another small air ambulance and flew to Chesapeake Virginia where I was rushed into the hospital for more tests. My neck was indeed crushed and I was scheduled for surgery the next morning. The doctors switched me to Dilaudid (10 to 1 stronger than morphine) and the travel nurse left me to fly back to Canada.
I paid $86 for travel insurance and Travelguard paid so much more. They waited when I called and needed help. They answered the phones when I was scared, they called me back when they found out a plan of care from my Ukrainian doctors, and they pushed for better care. I am grateful they arranged for armed guards, an ambulance, a private jet, the hospital in Paris, the flight back to the USA, the nurse escort, and all of the medication and treatment along the way. I asked them for an itemized bill and in response, they sent me a check for the unused return airplane ticket to the USA. They had reimbursed me for the flight I missed when I was in the hospital!
My $86 investment along with all the travel insurance policies
They did finally let me know the total… a shocking $112,000 was spent to keep me healthy and safe. The private jet from Kharkiv to Paris alone was $56,000. The American Hospital of Paris was another $24,000 and the rest was spent on the nurse escort and the airline tickets.
My $86 investment along with all the travel insurance policies I had before don’t even come close to the $112,000 Travelguard spent on me. My neck is now basically titanium from C3 to C7 and the scar is barely visible. If I didn’t show most people, they would not know that my neck is held together with metal. I have a limited range of motion but not enough to really make things tough. Yes, it’s painful but it could be worse. I suffer from post-traumatic brain injury seizure disorder, and I take medication every day to keep the epileptic episodes to a minimum. I still have 3 or 4 seizures a year but I am alive. I have been back to Ukraine 7 times since 2013. I love the country and its people. I can’t really say I have been back to Kharkiv and I spend most of my time in Odesa now. I fell in love with Mama Odessa and its people. Now it’s my turn to find my forever partner.
Sorry for the long story. The moral of this blog is ALWAYS BUY TRAVEL INSURANCE AND ALWAYS ENROLL IN YOUR COUNTRIES EMERGENCY LOCATION AND NOTIFICATION PROGRAM. For Americans, it’s the S.T.E.P. program. Use it, buy travel insurance, and always have a backup plan.
In many Western countries, the focus of much discussion is the age gap in a healthy lasting relationship. Men seem to bear the brunt of the age “shaming” if we can call it that, as it is the topic that dominates the dinner table, tabloid magazines, and of course, the discussion of dating or marrying a foreign partner.
In my travels, to Ukraine, the age argument gets tossed on its head and the taboo disappears. On over a dozen occasions I have been told that 25 is the age that a woman should already have a child, and I have personal knowledge of a doctor telling a 28-year-old woman that she had missed her window for having a healthy child. In the West, at age 25, most women are just getting married and having children even later than age 25. While it happens in the USA, it is still not as common as it used to be. This leads us to the topic of a good age difference and what a man should expect when they search for the woman of their dreams in Ukraine.
I cannot really say I subscribe to any belief that trying to find a lady that is more than 15 years younger than you are is really going to be beneficial. Yes, it is true you may find someone that is in for a fast relationship. A relationship based on material wealth and vacations to a tropical island for a week or two at a time may sound fun but it will end in disappointment for sure. My bet is that those relationships if you can call them that, will only last as long as the credit card bill you generated when you were on this expensive vacation. It is much better to travel to meet your lady, invest in meeting her friends, and aim for a realistic age gap of 15 years or less. I can’t tell you how many dating profiles I have read that start with “age is not important” when we all know that age is VERY important.
My last relationship was with a kind woman that was 34. We had a lot in common and she was mature for her age, had no children, and was well traveled. That age difference seemed to be just about right for me. Any younger and I might be close in age to someone’s parents. That is a nightmare scenario for me….dating someone only to find out her parents are 3 or 4 years older than I am. Gentleman, you may find a kind woman that is a single mother that has had to be mature and grow up very fast, and in that case, I wish you all the best. I know many Western men and we all sort of came up with this joke for the men that we knew that were only spending a week in Ukraine and were going on 7 dates in 7 days with 7 women, My friends and I had relocated to Odesa would just look at each other and laughingly say “30/60” meaning we knew that they were going to be spending a lot of money going on dates with ladies half their age. Men, do not fall for this trap! Women in Ukraine are absolutely beautiful and you can easily find a woman far less than half your age. They are smart, humble, kind homemakers that are eager to please the right man. Be that RIGHT man and do not prey upon someone far younger than you and of course, do not be preyed upon by someone looking for that tropical vacation and a new iPhone for the expensive English lessons you will be asked to pay for next. 😉
This was done on, my laptop with a little more thought about my own experiences and those of my friends in Ukraine before the war.
Welcome to a Western man’s point of view on dating a Slavic partner with a child and the issues you will experience with child custody, immigration issues regarding the child, permission from the child’s father, and how to navigate, most surely, having a partner with a child.
In the winter of 2012, I traveled to Siberia to visit my close friends that lived in Novokuznetsk. I began dating someone —I will call Masha. Things went rather well until the reality that her ex-husband was an active good father sank in. He had a close connection with their 8-year-old son. I tried to overlook this because I thought surely her former husband would see that in many ways the west offers more opportunities for a young boy. The young boy and his father did not see it this way. Sure, I was looking BIGGER picture, but they just wanted to live their lives as they always had lived, and they wanted me to just leave it alone. Five months later Masha and I decided jointly to give up and remain friends. To this day we are friends and stay in touch.
Fast forward to 2018. I was at that time 43 years old and although most dating and marriage sites do have many younger women, I still knew that I had to keep my feet grounded in the reality that finding a partner that was an appropriate age for me meant that she would likely have a child. The results were mixed. My Ukrainian pal Vlad reminded me that I am not that old, so I looked at the age groups of 30 years to 38 years old.
Having traveled the world I sort of knew that I would find 2 types of ladies.
One would be super hard-working Alpha females that had a life goal that did not include having a child early in their lives.
The second group would be the traditional sort of lady that has family values and can balance family and a career.
I have dated both of these types of women.
The first type of woman does kind of have a child, but it is not the kind we think. Their child is their career and they tend to have a partner when they are bored or when they are in crisis. Sure, many women that are Alpha career women can have a family and a partner and do it quite well, but in my experience, a partner and family are both not as important as a career to many of the Alpha ladies.
The second type of woman is found all over Ukraine. Women that have the values most Western men want are in every facet of life, in every city, and in every corner of Ukraine, from Kyiv to Lviv, from Odesa to Poltava, and from there to Kharkiv. In dating a Ukrainian woman, I found that she and her family were very open and accepted me with open arms. Yes, there are many speed bumps you will have to overcome but they are just like the ones in your own country, with a little culture shock sprinkled in to liven things up.
In another blog post, I will talk about Ukrainian traditions of gifting flowers, and how to shake hands, and greetings, but for now, I will end this post on custody issues and the roadblocks you may encounter. If your new love has a child then you will need to seek permission from the child’s father. This has to be a notarized court document to be used with both Ukraine and your own countries’ customs service. You will not be able to leave Ukraine with the child and your partner without this document. It is best to check with your Embassy to narrow down the mistakes that inevitably will be made. Don’t give up, and remember that your partner is worth the little bit of trouble and travel you have to do to secure the correct travel documents for her child. Try to keep in mind that her child is experiencing all of this change with you and that they may be scared or anxious, just like you. Offer as much comfort and support as you can and keep your eye on the prize.
Feel free to comment and ask any questions you may have.
