In all of my travels, I can’t ever remember such a combination of stress, anger, worry, joy, and disappointment. The unprovoked war in Ukraine dislodged me from my life in Odesa. It created unnecessary stress, unnecessary travel, and unexpected trials and tribulations. Of course, a pregnancy was totally unplanned and unexpected, but as so
many profiles on slavic-girl.com say, a man of action — not just words are what they want, so, that is who I am! Regret does not come to mind in my decision to travel from the safety of the USA back to Ukraine. It needed to be done, and in some strange way, it was a test of who I am. At my age, I feel like I have evolved enough to know what to do instinctively. It did not take days and days of deep thought.
Katya was pregnant and the baby was mine. Katya was in pain when we woke, so I gave her some of my own medication. My neck is titanium and I take strong medication for neuropathy and seizures. If someone taking this medication doesn’t have a seizure disorder, it is still strong enough to relieve pain and cause sedation. It felt so weird to not wear our masks anymore. We wore masks, so Katya and the baby would remain healthy, but now she was not pregnant and it felt like wearing the mask was a sad reminder of what we had lost — a baby boy, a soul that would never grow into its full potential. By this point of the trip, I had carried our heavy luggage up and down many flights of stairs. I had loaded and unloaded it many times. We had sat in a car for what seemed like days, and I had to help carry Katya up 3 levels of stairs after the emergency abortion.
My lower back was wrecked. My neck is titanium and strong but the strain and stress of all that weight began to wear me down. I now had my own health issues to deal with. After breakfast, I went to Regina Maria hospital to see a neurologist. I left Katya in the apartment to rest and recover. The doctor ordered an MRI of my neck and lower back. The results came back with a crazy cancer scare. So, I began taking heavy pain medication and medication for stress management. Stress can increase the likelihood of an epileptic episode. I found all of the medication I was supposed to take at a pharmacy near the apartment we had been given to stay in. Together I think Katya and I could have opened our own pharmacy! The first evening after the emergency abortion Katya began to notice that I was not acting like myself. Now I realize that she could tell that one of the medications was not agreeing with my body. I just blew it off like nothing was wrong. She smiled through and we both tried to sleep.
My Raiffeisen bank card had stopped working and I quickly discovered that the Raiffeisen bank in Ukraine was nothing like the Raiffeisen bank branch in Bucharest. In the mall, they had a location where I could open a new account. I found the food court and got some middle eastern food to take back to Katya. I also ordered a Swarovski ring to go with the 4 pieces of Swarovski I had bought Kate in the past. She loved Swarovski and I did too. I took the food back to the apartment. We talked and ate and cried some more. I credit losing weight and eating the right kinds of food for Katya’s lifestyle. She is a dietician, a nutritionist, and a massage therapist. We always ate a good variety of food and she liked that I can cook a wide variety of foods.
Maybe the medication I was taking began to show its true side effects or maybe it was the stress but didn’t even realize that my patience was growing shorter. When my neck was repaired with titanium, I took the same medications and I was fine, so I think it was the stress and the loss. The stress of it all finally showed in both of us. It’s really hard to say what it was, but either way, soon it would not matter.
I am writing this next part because I think it is important to start any relationship in an honest way. Starting this blog for Slavic Girl agency seems no different. Those of you reading this deserve honesty, so I will try to be as honest as possible. I woke up on the 8th of March and took a bath. Katya cooked some breakfast for us. We sat at a small table in the kitchen and ate while the snow fell outside. She was in a lot of pain and taking medication. My lower back hurt a lot and I was taking something for pain. We were both under stress and have different versions of what happened that morning. In my defense, I can say with 100% certainty that I never wake up in a bad mood. I look at each day with an open mind and a clean slate. Katya tells me that I looked at our breakfast and said “you must be trying to make me angry!” I am very sure I looked at the large pot of food and said “you must be very hungry” because she had cooked such a large amount of food for breakfast.
We sat and ate and watched the snow, we smiled and laughed at some of the crazy things that had happened on our trip… the water bottle filled with, well… the result of me not being able to get out of the car to use the restroom while we evacuated Ukraine! A female Moldovan guard had looked through the car door and picked it up. We both cracked up laughing because the guard didn’t seem to notice what was in the bottle! We washed our dishes and laid back down in bed. Our ritual was to watch Netflix so we turned on a movie. This part of the mid-morning is a blur to me. Katya was in pain and somehow, we had gotten on the topic of why we had lost the baby. Was it COVID? She had paid a doctor to register her on the DIA as having been vaccinated but in reality, she is against vaccinations. Was this why she had gotten COVID? I had the Johnson and Johnson Vaccine and had not been sick at all, ever, since the COVID outbreak had started. Did her vegan diet before we met cause some abnormalities in her egg, our baby?
She had started to eat fish and chicken and turkey shortly before we met and I didn’t really think that would be the cause of such a complicated pregnancy. Maybe it was because this was her first pregnancy… after all, 20% of all first pregnancies end in miscarriage. There were so many variables. My son is a healthy, strong, talented, and intelligent 18-year-old. I was sure it was not my contribution to getting pregnant that had caused the abnormalities in the womb. Katya tells me that I was upset about all of these issues and that when she got up to leave, at first, I told her to sit down, but then she says that I told her if she wanted to leave that her suitcase was right there. In my heart and in my memory I know this is simply not true. I remember she got up and was very emotional, borderline irrational! She screamed and walked toward the door and I clearly remember walking to the door gently but with authority putting my hands on her shoulders and telling her to “stop it, just stop!” In the past when she was upset she had slapped me. She had a way of swinging her hands to hit me and we had talked about it before. She apologized and said she didn’t remember doing that. On the morning of the 8th, it was like a perfect storm of stress, pain, anxiety, and anger. I moved her away from the door and we both sat on the bed. Literally, 1 second had passed when she sprung up, grabbed her suitcase, and left towards the door.
She screamed really loud for no reason at all. She had not been struck by me, and this seemed to be a bit melodramatic. It’s true I told her to leave if she was going to leave but to keep her hands to herself. I had given her to option to do whatever she wanted to do at that point. I also told her if she left to not come back. Maybe I was wrong to say this but again at this point, I was totally spent, mentally and physically exhausted, and pushed to my absolute limit. I remember this as clear as a bell. I was wrong for not being more understanding and for not de-escalating the situation but I did my best by saying “stop” and guiding her to the bed to calm down. She was wrong for screaming and yelling and for raising her arms to hit me. We were both stressed and upset, and emotionally exhausted.
One thing is certain, I never ever would abandon someone in a time of crisis. Yes, I do think an argument is better than just up and leaving. When times get tough either people stay and work it out, calm things down and move on or they freak out and do and say things they will later regret. Don’t misunderstand me… I have done really dumb things in the past, but I have never abandoned someone that has helped me through hard times. In times of crisis, I have found that trying to be calm is best. When things are moving fast, it’s been too slow down to resolve any situation.
Bad things happen in hast! In going back to the door, and then going downstairs to see the apartment owner, it seemed she had already made up her mind. Leaving had never crossed my mind, even if it had been easier, cost less money, and of course, it would have been safer. Rockets and missiles had flown over our heads in Odessa, we had been through a dozen checkpoints with armed men, and we had just gone through a surgical experience where we lost a baby, where SHE lost a bay, and NOW I was feeling the stress. I was exhausted. I was tired and sore and just wanted peace and quiet. I would never minimize what Katya had gone through, or somehow compare my pain and exhaustion with her emergency abortion…
surgery is hard on the body, and losing a baby is even more difficult, I am sure. Still, leaving never crossed my mind. When things become difficult, I try not to include others in the insane drama of it all, but that is exactly what Katya had done by screaming and then running downstairs for some kind of help. Later the man that had let us live in the apartment asked me why she had knocked on his door, but she never told me why she did that. I can only assume that she simply needed more from me. Perhaps I could have done more, given more, or been more understanding, but it all happened too fast, and looking back her first reaction was to lash out and leave. For me, this seemed excessive and unnecessary. Again, maybe to those reading this, I am 100% wrong, but I say again that I had begun to need rest. I needed to de-stress, unwind and not think about this incredibly stressful journey. One day would have been enough for me, or really, just half of the day would have worked. Instead, I was not allowed this time to mourn and unwind, to rest and gather myself. Maybe I was being selfish, but to me, it seemed that she was being selfish in not allowing me time to gather myself into one whole person again. I was shattered just like she was. It would have been great if she recognized this. I felt her pain, truly I did! I sympathized with every bit of pain and agony and stress. The loss was spread equally between us. Keep in mind that my neck is titanium and I carry a few serious scars from years of overextending my body. I did not complain about carrying our heavy luggage up and down, and up and down again. In my experience, Ukrainian women want a strong man that doesn’t complain. Gender roles seem very defined in Ukraine. I didn’t argue or fuss, but rather overextended my body to the point that it was broken. Leaving never crossed my mind. Her leaving never crossed my mind. I expected that she would calm down, lay down, sleep and we could talk when she woke up. Now I was agitated watching her pack the suitcase. I had tossed her jacket into the suitcase when she got up screaming. I was tired and just wanted no screaming or drama. It would have been great if she recognized that I had some needs that really “needed” attention. I told her to leave if she was going to leave but it was not what I wanted to happen or thought would happen. She was usually so calm and rational but this time she was the opposite, irrational, and nothing I did seemed to calm her down. The unnecessary, unprovoked screaming was it for me.
The owner of the apartment helped her carry her suitcase downstairs. It was the one I had brought from the USA and given to her. It was full of clothes and new shoes, baby stuff, and the coolest blanket I had ever seen. She left so fast that I didn’t really understand it all. It felt like she had planned this out. It felt like she had a backup plan in place the whole time. This was upsetting to me! My backup plan was for us to see a priest about the baby, to follow up with her doctor appointments, and adjust to our new life in our temporary home. I admit that I do not react well to this sort of thing. I tried to call but she didn’t answer. I sent text messages but all I got back were emotional outbursts and anger. She had every right to be overly emotional, but I was still totally caught off guard by this behavior. In my experience, Ukrainian women do not freak out like that. These ladies seem to be as cool as a cucumber when it comes to stress. I tried for days to talk to her but nothing worked. I realized then that I had only been a vessel for her to get to safety. We had lost the baby and maybe she felt like a failure. In reality, there were a dozen reasons for such a complicated pregnancy but her mother and family did blame it on her previous vegan diet, her age, and her lifestyle. I am sure it was COVID, and this was her first pregnancy. Along with the stress of war and me being in the USA waiting for a return visa to Ukraine, it was just too much stress on her and the baby. So, she was gone. I waited and called and sent messages and she at least answered a few times. This is where cultural things were different, and I think age and experience come into the picture.
I have learned that calm patience and sincere apologies mean a lot to the same people. I also learned sadly among a lot of Slavic people that the ability to stop and look back, admit their mistakes, and embrace a humble apology are absent in their mentality a lot of the time. Kinda “the bull in a China shop” mentality, head down, onward, don’t look back.
We only get a finite number of real opportunities in our lifetime, so, please stop and realize when someone that loves you is on their knees in front of you, humble, as you should also be, ready to evaluate the process and fix the problems in the relationship. I have never been someone that slept around, so the 3 women I have dated from the former Soviet states have all been exceptional in many ways, and yet this same issue rises to the surface. The inability to slow down, forgive, or be forgiven has always been present. No, I have not just dated Slavic women. Being an American I hate dating Americans of course.
Being a military brat (a child that was in a military family) we traveled and lived all over the world. I have never discriminated against a person’s skin tone or nationality. I will say this and I do mean it. Slavic culture just focuses more on family and family life. The women want to make their men happy and they also are strong, educated, and beautiful. Asian culture is hard workers and tends to be a little more subservient. Americans are all about the green, money, and the “what have you done for me lately” mentality.
My next teaching opportunity appears to be in Vietnam. I do have offers in Ukraine, Prague, Warsaw, and Germany, but for now, I may focus on somewhere in Asia. Be good and be good to each other. Feel free to ask me any questions and do be sure to look at the visual references attached to this long blog. They are all accurate, real, and true to the best of my recollection.
Lastly, war is hell. In Europe, in this century it is just unfortunate and unnecessary. Please donate blood, get your news from more than one source and stand for freedom!
